Friday, 19 August 2011

My Immortal MST- Chapters 4-6

 Same as last time, except Bold is now me. Again, swearwords, although one of them is mine.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY (Make up your mind.) nut mary su(e) (Also, you're completely missing the point.) OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! (No, you just can't write very well.) dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" (Calm down...)
Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. (Whilst it was floating?) I walked out of it too, curiously.
"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. (Stop fucking swearing.)
"Ebony?" he asked.
"What?" I snapped. (You're not a nice person.)
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness ("Oh Edward," I chagrined.) and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. (D'awwwww.)
And then... suddenly just as I Draco (Just as I Draco makes no sense...) kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. (Good for you.) He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. (He put his finger in your ear? On the first date? How dare he?)
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. (That was quick...) We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" (It should be fairly obvious what they were doing...)
It was...Dumbledore! (Enough with the... Ellipses!)

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok (I don't even have to comment on that. That's funny by itself.) an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! (Yay! No more story!)
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. (As opposed to shouting happily.)
"You ludacris (Like the rapper?) fools (Is Dumbledore Mr. T?)!" he shouted.
I started to cry tears of blood (See a doctor.) down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. (Good for them.)
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. (Bad grammar, Miss.)
"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. (Holy crap! That's in character!)
And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." (That's out of character.)
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.
"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. (Please stop describing clothing. I am losing the will to live.) When I came out... (Ellipses...)
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom (That's creepy.), and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there (Call the police.). We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. (How romantic.)

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! (Holy crap. You got the good reviews you wanted? Amazing.)
The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, (You have four ears?) and two crosses in my ears. (Six ears?) I spray-painted my hair with purple.
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. (Why are the Hogwarts people fine with that?) Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.
"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. (Why is everyone in Hogwarts goth?) He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. (Because that's normal.) He didn't have glasses anymore (He got laser eye surgery.) and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. (Cosmetic surgery is truly amazing.) He had a manly stubble on his chin. (Like me!) He had a sexy English accent. (Not like me.) He looked exactly like Joel Madden. (i do not know who that is.) He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. (Suspiciously specific denial?)
"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. (You got over it pretty fast...)
"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.
"Why?" I exclaimed.
"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. (Ebony/Egogy/Mary Sue. CALL THE COPS.)
"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. (Goddamn Twihards...)
"Really?" he whimpered.
"Yeah." I roared. (I am Catwoman! HEAR ME ROAR!)
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. (Oh, sure, don't say goodbye or anything.)

Again, comments appreciated.


  1. Oh my gosh Niall. You are so funny! This story made me shudder. But you made it much better. I could laugh at least instead of cry.
    Sorry. The story is just so horrible. She ruined everything.
    However, Ilove your humor and hope to see more. Are there any other stories this bad?

  2. Try Starkits Prophcy, Twila the girl who was in love with a vampire, or legolas by laura.
    They all suck. =P

  3. LOL niall!!!! Did the person that wrote this ever read the books!
    Once again, LOL!!!

  4. I love this MST! The comments make me laugh! YAY SARCASM!!!

  5. This is hilarious Niall. You MUST write more. Seriously. I LOVES IT.

    Will you write more if I give you good reviews? Pwease? :P

  6. I'm getting repeated conflicting edits. I'm giving up and going to bed! Night to Aquila and Taia for me, if you read this.


    Can I just point out a few plot holes? She didn't know Harry's name and yet she knew he used to have glasses and a scar. If she'd just seen him in the hallway sometimes, she would have probably reminded herself of seeing the sexy-boy-that-makes-her-body-go-hot-etc....

    Also, how does she know he has a sexy English accent before she hears him speak? Weird.

    HE PUT HIS WAND INTO HER CAULDRON! That's what she should have said.

    What happened to the flying car? Dumbledore just ignored the flying car parked in the sky?

    Did NOBODY ELSE see Draco waiting outside the girls' toilets and begin to sing?

    I think the only thing I like about the original text is Count Chocula cereal.

    Anyway, your commentary makes it hilarious, Niall!