Who knew tearing apart bad fics could be so much fun?
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. (How?) n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! (Oh dear god no.) STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! (Whatever.) n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! (she doesn't seem very depressed...)
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings (What would a satanist sing? Probably Voltaire.) on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). (Could be.) I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. (I usually put happiness in my depressed eyes.) I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. (LOLWUT?) Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then... (Ellipses...)
We started frenching passively (Passively?) and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. (Okay.) He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy (Adam's apple?) in mine (You have an Adam's apple?) and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) (The way you make it sound? Yes.)
"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm (Okay. Either you're leaving stuff out, or you're very quick...) when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... Vampire! (Please stop with the Ellipses... Please...)
I was so angry. (Somebody needs a hug...)
"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" (If he does... you've probably already got it.)
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. (so very very OOC.) He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. (Why are you telling us that now?) I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. (Quiet. There's a class in progress.)
AN: stop flassing (But flossing's good! It keeps your teeth clean!) ok! if u do den u r a prep!Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. (They aren't staring at you anymore...)
"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.
My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. (I've always wanted to master the understated smile.) She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. (Everyone has red contacts. Why is this?) She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. (Why does she need white makeup if her skin is already white?) Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. (WTF?) Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. (I'm trying very hard not to laugh.) She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (How is this a HP fic, again?) (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" (Ye olde butcherede Englishe.) Snape demeaned (He's demeaning them.) angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.
"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.
Everyone gasped. (OMG!)
I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) (Did the POV just change? I'm confused.)
"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.
"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" (Bad. No swearing.) I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility (Lol. Virility.) to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! (If you read more, you might be able to spell...) dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! (Yeah, guys! Dumbledore swears in the movies!) besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! (WTAF?) MCR ROX! (They're okay.)
I was so mad and sad. (That rhymes!) I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) (We guessed.) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was... Voldemort! (Please stop with the... Ellipses!)
"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. (If you say so.)
"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. (Voldemort is terrified of cats.) I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. (You scare me.)
"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" (And I thought Snape butcherede ye olde Englishe...)
I thought about Vampire and his sexah (Please learn to spell.) eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. (I still don't know who that is.) I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? (You're facing the Dark Lord and you're worrying about your relationship? Sort out your priorities.)
"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged. (Or you could just not take the gun...)
"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" (Dear god this is butcherede.)
"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." (He hath.) he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. (I can't blame him. Broomstick must be really uncomfortable. AMIRITE, GUYS? *crickets chirp*)
I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.
"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"
"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) (No. Please explain the joke.) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"No." he answered. (Poor emo Draco...)
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.
"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.(He got over his depression pretty quick...)
Guess what! Comments appreciated.